A Shriek in the Night

A shriek in the night, a scream unlike anything I’d ever heard before.  First it was outside my bedroom window, then around the back of my house. Was I under attack? Should I man my battle station? And what could I possibly use to defend myself against this unknown wailing creature? I lay still in my bed, reassuring myself that the noise was indeed real and I didn’t imagine it in my semi-conscience state. I then began chastising myself for not chugging some Benadryl and going comatose in which case I would be oblivious to this screeching siege and instead be drooling into my pillow. My dog was growling, the neighbor dogs were barking. Dare I get up and investigate? I don’t want to look for fear I will see the creature, make eye contact through the night and it will somehow consume my soul. My imagination runs wild, monsters flashing before my eyes as I curse myself for taking that Greek mythology course in college. And just as I summon enough courage to plant my feet firmly on the floor…silence. Had the immortal being vanished or had the neighbors dogs met their demise? I wait, sitting on the edge of the bed, expecting the roof to be ripped open any minute and a two headed dragon to envelope me in a cloud of fire. I really must stop watching movies. Following the longest moments of my life I slowly pull my feet back up, and slide back in between the sheets. Crisis averted.  After some stealthy online research of animals that do exist, I, a modern day Sherlock Homes unlocked the mystery of my near death experience. It was….drumroll…….a deer.

Lunch Time Madness

There must be a full moon tonight because against my better judgment I went to Wal-Mart on my lunch break. There are two things wrong with this story from the get-go. One, I disdain Wal-Mart with every fiber of my being. Two, I rarely leave my office and take a lunch break. However, I needed items only Wal-Mart sells for what I deem an affordable price, so off I went. I actually got a decent parking spot, which never happens. I guess when you go shopping in the middle of the day there are some perks. I grab a cart and start to push, but then I realize I’m not moving, and neither is the cart. It might as well have had cement blocks for wheels, because it was not going anywhere. I remedy this situation and proceed to the housewares department. As I’m strolling along trying not to stare at the “people of Wal-Mart” I notice boxes on an end cap that claim to have a couch inside of them. Now I must stop and see what this is about. Do you add water and it grows? Turns out it is inflatable, but has a suede texture so it looks like the real deal, and all for only $29.99! I move on, past the bins of candy, to the display rack of kettle corn which is sad to say my weakness. I want so badly to grab a bag, and quickly throw it in my cart. It’s only $3, it’s not that big of a deal, no one will know. But I think healthy thoughts; veggies, fruit, bikini season. Then I move on to happy thoughts, looking fit in a bikini, unicorns, unicorns wearing bikinis, and I continue on my journey, far away from the evil kettle corn stand. As a reward for my willpower I decide to get some sea salt pita crackers. Take that craving temptations! Round house kick to the face…..who’s your daddy now? Feeling empowered I gather the rest of my supplies, and hit the checkout line. Wal-Mart during your lunch break is never ideal, but a small victory was had today.

Elusive Sleep

It’s 4 am. I’m wide awake. Why you ask? Who the hell knows! My throat is slightly sore, and I reach over to my nightstand for a cough drop. I keep a jar of them in the drawer so I never have to get out of bed to get one. This is a system I constantly congratulate myself on every time I’m in need of one. Inevitably you only need a cough drop in the middle of the night; it’s the law of physics. So after unwrapping this mentholated gift from the gods, I realize I have to pee. I never, and I mean never, wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. I lay there for a little while contemplating if I can hold it, but my alarm isn’t due to scare the crap out of me for another three hours. Putting my bladder through that kind of restraint seems cruel, and since it did nothing to warrant said punishment, I reluctantly swing my legs over the side of the bed and stand up. I wear contacts, and I sleep in them most of the time. Now before you start a diatribe of how that’s not good for my eyes, let me explain my theory. I’ve worn contacts for the past 15 years. My lenses are the super thin, breathable; we’ll charge you more for them kind. In the time I’ve been sleeping in my contacts, my prescription has actually improved in both eyes by multiple levels, so take that all you nay-sayers! The only down side is when you wake up, your eyeballs and your eye lids have practically become one. Your contacts are screaming for saline, seeing the bottle through a blurry haze like a mirage in a desert. I’ve perfected the art of squinting through one half opened eye ball, and in the dark make my way to the bathroom. Only once I flipped the light switch on did my eyes think I was stranded on an airport runway. I felt like a vampire at sunrise, and promptly flipped that switch back off. It’s not natural for 4 am bathroom break to be illuminated anyways. I stumble back to my bed with my half opened eye, climb into my covers, and nothing. Not the least bit sleepy.  No sheep, no sugar plum fairies, no chocolate bars. Hey, if visions are supposed to be dancing in my head there is going to be chocolate; don’t judge. So I just laid there, sucking on my cough drop, and miracle of miracles finally succumbed to sleep and dreams of dinosaurs.